i miss my past..there is many things which i want to let go now and just go back to my past. There are many things which i want to take from the past and bring it with me now. Im tired with what life got to offer. Im tired to oveercome a new day and be denial of what happened yesterday. I cliimb and i fall. I keeep falling and keep having to pick mysf up. Im tired of telling myself that eventually i get over it. Truth is, im not capable of doing anything. Truth is im useless. Ive wasted 1 year 7 months of ur life. I haven beeen giving and ive beeen a real burden. I stop u from doing anything. And the best part of our relationship is only the first month. I adore nisa and din cause din got a great gf and im not even somewhere near nisa. U made me believe all this. im sorry. i make things better for u. I restore your faith in me though i myself has lost faith in you. I stll love u regardless of what...

only god knows how i feel..

you love giving me sleepless nights. I really wish u listen cause i hardly open up to anyone. Maybe i don have the guts to do so. Nvm. Im just plain useless. To the point that u don bother ringing me back to listen to me after i put down the phone. Whatever coming out from my mouth, thoughts are bunch of crap. I know, full of shi. Im stupid to even say it out. Haha.

where is the love?

could you feel the pain im going thru or is it just anger and revenge running thru your vein?

i lost my handphone yesterday.
my precious handphone.
first it was my mom most expensive gift to me ever.
second it was my only way to see my late nephew moving about in the video, calling out my name..
third it was all the photos thats inside of it..

the feeling of losing that video is worst then losing you..or losing my wallet with my ic.
and to think, so dick pick pocket me..i make sure he suffer and lost double or triple of what i lose today.

can anyone feel the pain?
could you feel that pain??
i needed you badly yesterday..i needed your comfort badly yesterday..
just to tell me that veerything is going to be fine..but you were not there.
from bedok to geylang..
am i asking for too much??

i dont blame you for the lost..and to think you took ages to decide
and when you aked me the same question on why i could lose the phone or have i found the phone..
cant i answer you in vain? i wasnt even angry with you..
and to think you toyed around with my feeling of saying that acttually you wanted to come..but when i answered in vain you decided not to come..
WHAT AM I TO YOU??

i wont say anymore..
what can i do..im fated to go thru all this shit.
and you dont even bother saying that you love me.
yes..im the most irritating, stupid, cligy, useless foool here.
im the goddamn burden that you have to carry over your shoulder.
you dont have to repeat..
i know how useless i am.

and to whoever who rushed down, bothered to help me thru the process of everything..i really thank you.

im not good with words.

eversince we promise to hold each other hands and never to let go..we have never been apart even for a day.
even when youre doing your bmt, you would still call me at the end of the day to aid the feeling of missing each other.
its beeen 2 days..
48 hours, without you.
ive beeen on my own eversince we parted that day.

i feel so lost without you.
i feel so imcomplete without you.
i don feel freedom but i feel suffocated without you.
you are like my air and oxygen.
i neeed you to be there for me if not physically but in other aspects.
i tried occupying myself with work and friends but when everything end..my heart still aches for you.
im counting down days to meeet you so i could hug you and kiss you and just hold on to you.
only god knows how much i miss you and wish that you would appear right before myeyes.
i really miss you.
though its only 2 days,
i realised how much impact youve made to my life,
how your presence make so much different to me..
those little little gestures you did for me..
now that im without it..i feel like a lost child.
i feeel that im so handicappped without you..

no one could make smile and happy apart from you..
yes im smiling, laughing..
but deep inside..i still want you to be close to me..

i hate going thru this..
but if its fir the best of us in the future..
ill be strong..
idk how but i stay strong for us.

so much as you wants things to be like in the past..
when our love is pure and sinccere, putting aside possesiveness and not trusting..
i want it that way too.
i miss the past baby..
i miss the orea donut and the chocolate milk tea.
i miss the movie marathon we use to have..
i miss just sitting down doing nothing and be in your arms.
i miss talking about religion with you..
i miss you so much nan.
i reali do.
you will always be my bestfriend, my boyfriend, my soulmate.

and till the day we planned to meet..
I LOVE YOU TOO NAN.
i really do.

My mind is in a myst, manipulating my every inch of my soul to feel. All this feeling that i nvr tot exist was felt. a feeling that i am unaware of. a feeling thats hard to describe. i feel sad, lost at the same time irritated, angry left forsaken by my own tots my own heart my own soul. im in this oblivion in my heart without a tot to ani1. this heart crumble but i felt no tears yet tears drip from this very eyes that see nuting but yet truth. Sometimes, truth just hurt. sometimes, its beter no to see truth. funny isn't it, how god gave us brain to think yet we were groom since young to follow a rule that we don't understand. weird how we are given a brain to tink yet many tink with their heart. I feel alone and lonely, yet...this is the way i want to feel for now. a space to think, a space to release this anger and sadness in a form of tots, plain tots of nutingless that make no sense yet makes me feel better.

We were groom since young to love and be love, how love shows happiness. love being a pinch of heaven. But we we'nt told about the sacrifice of it, the agony of it, the torment it make 2 lovers feel. a change in each other that makes one remembering the past n love it.. the past of us...i wish we will go back to that love... i wish we are not like this..where were our plain childish innocent love that grew over the days w/o the presence of possesive but the presence of trust in each other? Trust and faith is all i ask from u. I hope that day will come where we truly understand wat love really is..wats the real meaning of sacrifice... i hope both us will. i still love u n care for u...my heart wish only to be embraced by ur love..my tots wish only to be embrace by ur trust..my soul wish only to be embrace by ur faith.. till the day that we plan to meet.. I LOVE YOU FAZ

my whole world came crumbling down when you said that to me.
i really cant think of anything else but just to walk off.
part of me wanting you to stop me
whereas part of me wanting you to let me go off.
and you let me go off.

if not for friends who was there..
idk what will happen.

and we were finally talking when i reached home.
it was nice dear.
i really don want things to end as we went thru so many many things togehter.
its not a 1 week 1 month thing..
its beeen going on for almost 2 years.

there will be no one to put me to sleep..
no one will take away my fear..
no one to fight with..
no one to listen to me whining..
no one to eat with me..
no one to catch movie with me..
no one for me to kiss and hug..
no one will talk to me till wee hours..
i really don know what to do till 23rd
but if its for the best of us, ill go thru it.

i cant think of anyone else to really take over your place in my heart..
no one is capable enough, no matter how hard they try.
i just need you mannan to be in my heart.
and i wont search further..i just want you to be the permanent resident there. haha.
take care alright baby.
lets not complicate matter and enjoy the air and space we are having now.
i love you. mwah mwah mwah

i reallly don understand me.

a guy who makes me cry, degrade me, insult me, humiliates me, hurt me so much..
yes im still with him.
he who affliates me with the word irritating&immature
he who i need to make an appointment to meet.

i seriously don see the point of me saying sorry so that your work wont be affected or you will have the appetite to eat. cause you dont gave a shit wherever i am when you want to hurt me or make me cry.

how many times have i turn my back on you, how many times have you turnned you back on me?? countless boy.

why do i still wear the ring when i have to fight for your time?
its as good as me being your friend, like shaz naz or whoever.
why do i waste so much of my time being faithful to you when you hardly have the time for me?
WHY? when you are so calculative with the time you spend with me??

im wasting my youth away.
i see no future with you.
our plan for engagement seems like a dream to me.
everything is becoming so unrealistic even after we got our permanent jobs.

why do you only say sorry when i said sorry?
i have feelings nan.
and i hate it when you affiliate those feelings with irritating & immature.

what does murny do to get your attention.
to get you to send countless messages on friendster and on the cell phone.
to get you to wait on her at her school gate or to get you to hopeless hope that she get back to you?

and how do i have scandals without giving a shit about your feeling, like how you hurt me. and still can sleep peacefully at night. how the hell i do that.

i hate you nann. i hate it when i have to fight for youe attention.
i hate it when im feeling this way..i really see no point.